Bedtime, Babies, and Infertility

1. Bedtime - Daddy gets him ready for bed. They put on jammies, get "night orange juice" (which by the way, became day night orange juice the other morning), brush teeth, pick out 5 books, (or I should say, pick out 7 books, lay them out on the floor, Greg then says, "choose the one you want very most....then which one.....then which one" and so on, then the final two go back - this happens every night), then we lay in the bed to read.

My dream is that a. he falls asleep while we are reading our carefully selected 5 books, or b. that after 5 books I could kiss his head and say goodnight. I never get my dream.

I love the night. I love to watch one of my many shows (Days of Our Lives, Oprah, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, Brothers & Sisters, Amazing Race, and a few others better left unsaid, those should probably stay between me and my DVR). I also love the world of blogging, reading blogs (those I know as well as those I stumble on and now believe I know), and writing on my blog. Or, I occasionally love getting some much needed work done. None of these things happen when I lay in bed with him because I FALL ASLEEP. It is likely that more often than not, I am asleep before him.

Tonight I told him the new plan was that after 5 books I was going to go get some things done and he could stay awake as long as he wanted in the bed. He cried while I sat at the computer. And he cried. And he cried some more. I told him I was staying close and I wouldn't leave the room. Of course, I finally went back, he was soaking wet from sweating so much. He said he loves to lay with me and wants to lay with me for a long long long long long long long long time (there were actually a ton more longs, but too many to type, you get the picture). In fact, he said he wants to be with me all day long. Now I am crying. Oh Owen. My poor sweet Owen. Maybe I could be a morning person? A person can change after 32 years, right?

2. Babies - We went to my friend's house this afternoon to see her new baby. Owen has been asking all week when we were heading that way. He asked me today if the baby was crying and asking where Owen was. Um, not exactly little buddy. Owen held her teeny baby, weighing in under 6 pounds. I was a little worried how Owen would respond to the baby, but he did an excellent job!! He did however tell me after we arrived home, that he couldn't hold the baby anymore because she was too stinky, like poop. He still seemed to like her despite her smelling like poop (which she did not). Thanks to our sweet friends for letting Owen inflict his bad wild habits on his friend and for letting Owen hold the baby. We had a great day!!

3. Infertility - Yep, still not pregnant. This month I got smart. The doctor wanted me to go in on day 13 for an ultrasound. Based on the past and a feeling that the 13th was too early, I took my chances and went in on day 16 (this was in an attempt to try to save some money and time). I knew that on day 13 he would tell me to come back on day 15 and then again on day 17. No 3 ultrasounds for me. Only 1. He gave me the shots and the follow ups to take home. Another month of shots and another month of nothing. I added acupuncture to my treatments (which I love by the way, and would recommend it to anyone!) as well as a session using Integrated Awareness. (I found out my energy is all turned around and there are some things that I need to let go of).

Now I am currently taking a small break from the shots and doctor. They just don't feel like the answer to me right now. Perhaps they are in the long term, but just not now. I am working on focusing what I do have and not what I don't have. I read an article the other day in my Yoga Journal about a woman who had been trying to get pregnant for years with no luck. She was asked by a friend "Have you considered that maybe the timing of your conception isn't only up to you? Perhaps there is the spirit of the baby to consider. Who is to say that he or she doesn't have some say in all of this". (Yoga Journal, October, 2008, Light Fantastic by ory Sipper). This seemed to work for me. With no medical reason that I cannot get pregnant or rather my diagnosed "unexplained infertitlity", this statement just makes sense to me. It just isn't the right time. Maybe it won't ever be the right time. But we have Owen and we are happy.

Maybe I just need to go back to the basics....Owen said the other day, "mommy, I want a baby". "Do you want a boy or a girl", "Just a baby", he said. "Ok, well, hopefully we can have a baby soon" I replied. Owen said, "Let's call someone and get a baby". "Sweetheart, I don't know who to call to get a baby". "Maybe daddy". "Well, that is a good place to start".