At times it may not be the life we planned, but here it is, the life we love

Sunday, July 12, 2015

A New Life

This post is really hard for me to write, but I find the more I talk about it and share about it and hear myself say things out loud, the easier it is to find a space to move forward.

Last year at this time, my sisters and I had a terrible fight with my dad.  It wasn't meant to be a fight, and quite frankly, I am not sure I can comprehend how we went from the beginning to the end. I just know that the beginning was scary and the end was devastating.  As I think back and reflect on everything, I realize the details are getting fuzzy, which is the way I prefer it because it is so incredibly painful to re-live, but I can't erase the big picture.

After Angie confronted my dad about something that had been pending for some time, there was a lot of yelling on his part and a lot of crying on her part.  As she and I were talking about it and trying to process some of the things he had just yelled at her, he called to tell me that we needed to meet to dissolve the firm and decide how to break things up because he couldn't do this anymore and didn't want to work together.  There was nothing but shock in my body. I couldn't understand how telling him we knew about something he tried to keep from us resulted in needing to break the firm in pieces.  At his direction, we arranged to meet that evening to discuss moving forward.  I remember meeting my sisters in the park before the meeting to talk and feeling so many emotions at one time. There was confusion, hurt, sadness, fear, and worry, all of which only grew as the night wore on. The meeting was horrible.  Horrible, hard to forget things were said to us, there were a lot of tears, and we left with nothing resolved.

6 weeks went by and I didn't speak to my dad, and when we did, I called him.  I have often wondered over the last year, if I hadn't called, would we have talked again, and if so, how long would it have been?  I called to try to find some peace for my broken heart and at the time, I was able to find this peace temporarily, but unfortunately, the source of the fight was extremely hard for me and everything I thought I had between my dad and me was now in question and my broken heart ran very deep.  I needed a lot more than my dad was willing? able? to give me.  It seemed like there was hope for a little while, he was open to talking about it and  there was some healing for my sisters and I, but before long it became apparent that the whole incident was off limits to bring up again.  The few times I tried, I was told that we were not going over this again, and asked how many times he had to apologize for it, and what more could he do.  The conversation was over.

I wanted so much more.  I wanted him to say he was so sorry and he made a terrible mistake.  I wanted him to say our relationship was real and that I was still important to him.  I wanted him to open his heart and he wouldn't.  Without the assurances I needed, I wasn't able to move forward and I wasn't able to feel secure in our relationship.  I lost something that was so important to me at one time.  I longed for the relationship back but I wasn't sure if I was longing for a relationship that never existed or a relationship that was once very real and had changed into something unrecognizable.

Not only did I have feelings of sadness over the course of the year as I tried to heal, but I felt embarrassed.  I would have done anything for my dad, probably even at the expense of other relationships, because in my mind we had a special relationship.  It was devastating and embarrassing to realize I might have been the only one who felt this way.  I felt like such a fool and questioned so many things from the past.  I was willing to do anything he needed and he wasn't willing to do the same for me.  I felt very confused and alone.

The last year has been hard.  Really, really hard.  My sisters and I have talked and cried and tried to find a place of peace and understanding in a situation where that is impossible to find.  I could feel me and my dad growing further and further apart during the last year.  The more I realized I was not what I thought I was through his eyes, the less and less I was able to give.

As I continued to shut down, the relationship felt strained at best during the last few months and then what ever hope there was, what ever possibility of moving forward existed, it all ended a few days ago. I was once again faced with a situation that started with something and ended with something else with no logic in the middle.  I asked him to do something work related, the conversation became heated and I suddenly found myself on the phone with him screaming on the other end, telling me that we always fight and it was time that I took a good look at myself and finally realize that I was the problem.  He said he doesn't fight with anyone else in his life, that he gets along with everyone, except me, and this simple fact should tell me something about myself and I have plenty of people that I fight with.  It wasn't only the words that hurt so very badly, but the way he said it all.  He said I zap his energy.  He said if we never talk about anything of any substance again because it will end in a fight, then he would rather not talk to me ever again.   I would have never given up on him, but he gave up on me, probably a long time ago and this is a hard realization for me to come to.

I give up now.  Each time I replay these words in my head, I realize the relationship was not what I thought it was, that is very clear to me now. While I am not sure how things look going forward, I am very sure what they don't look like.

I will keep taking one day at a time and the tears will lessen and my heart will heal.

Monday, March 30, 2015

11 things

1. You know what the best part of spring break is? Not having to make lunches.

2. Greg was leaving for work the other morning and said goodbye to me. He said, "goodbye sweetheart" and Autumn looked all confused and said, "why did he say that?".  I told her because he loved me. She looked all serious and said, "so, you two are married?"

3. Little Ivy can't stand when she isn't the best. I was looking at pictures of Owen last night from when he was three. I mentioned how funny he was and true to form, Ivy responded that she was too. This happens every time a conversation like that happens. 

4. We are finally feeling better and back to normal from Owen's sickness. It took a lot out of us and threw our lives in a tailspin, but a month later and we seem to be getting our life back. Two more days of dr appts and hopefully we are done!

5. Greg tried to teach me how to do the baseball book tonight. I offered to do it last week and tonight during our lesson I quit. 

6. Every night when I snuggle by Autumn she sits up and says "I need your arm". I have to put my arm behind her and snuggle her in tight. 

7. Ivy has a practice for gymnastics on Saturday when they will decide if she moves up to the next level. This whole competitive sports thing is not for the faint of heart. (And the kids are fine, it is me who struggles.)

8. Last week Owen and Ryan couldn't spell cousin. I told them I would buy a prize for the first one to spell it right. It took a minute and a lot of guesses, and much to the boys' dismay, Ivy figured it out first.  She went into Fred Meyer and picked out a toy. In an effort to calm their concerns that they lost to Ivy, I offered up a spelling test today. They were given 32 words to study for the week and I am happy to report they both received 100% today and each earned a prize. 

9. When Owen got sick, Greg's work was amazing about it. I love his new job. 

10. Yesterday I was less than amused when I found Greg was still sound asleep when he should have been getting ready to take Owen to karate. After I took Owen myself, Greg apologized and asked why I didn't wake him up sooner. Yep, apparently I am in charge of waking them all up to get ready to go. Not amazing at all. 

11. I haven't done yoga for awhile. I feel the time is near to start again. 

And there are 11 things worth noting. 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Nothing sweeter

It has been a long tiring day filled with a bit of everything... Yelling, laughing, screaming, crying, playing, swimming, bathing, crafting, schooling, pianoing, and finally resting. 

As I snuggled Autumn to sleep I said, "you're my super star and I love you". Her little sleepy voice said back, "you're my mom and I love you". 

And then it was a good day. 

Sunday, January 18, 2015


Football, cousins, yummy food, and a CRAZY win for the Seattle Seahawks made for a fabulous Sunday.  

As we were transplants up to Washington, we haven't always been a fan of our beloved Seahawks, but never fear... WE ARE FANS now!!  I may even feel myself turning into a SuperFan.  Actually, I am a SuperFan of this whole state.  I LOVE living here and as part of loving living here, I love the team too.  Originally this day had been set aside to head to Leavenworth for the Bavarian Ice Fest to kick off the 2015 monthly adventures but upon learning it was the day for the NFC Championship Game and as pending SuperFans, it had to be cancelled.  Later, after a near loss that turned around for a crazy win in overtime, we screamed with laughter at the thought that we could have missed it all for the Ice Fest.  

So to sum up the day:, the kids ate too little, the adults ate too much, we gave up hope and had it restored, we laughed a lot, we played a lot and can't wait to do it all again in 2 weeks.... 



Saturday, January 17, 2015

I hate computers

Half the reason that I haven't blogged much is that my computer was full and terribly slow.  In an effort to save my sanity, I used Angie's old computer, which worked until it didn't.  My dad got me a new little computer recently and it has a very small hard drive but he installed a very large supplemental drive to go with it.  I thought this would work fine and yet I find myself sitting here tonight with my programs being confused between the C drive and the D drive.  The C drive is full and slowing things down and the programs that are trying to download are getting mixed up and missing files necessary to make them work.  Sigh.  

Computers suck so here are some pictures to lighten the mood.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

I made it to Thursday

Each week that is the goal. After Wednesday is done we have 2 days of gymnastics done, 2 days of karate done, 1 day of scouts done, 1 piano lesson done, 1 day of swimming done, 1 day of volunteering in classrooms done, 1 day of watching Wesley done, and 3 days of lunches done.... I made it to the homestretch! 

We still have a lot to go before Sunday, our day of rest....3 more karate days, 1 more gymnastics day, 1 more piano lesson, 1 day of dance, 1 more day of swimming, and 2 more lunches. But, it is the homestretch!!! 

Tomorrow will be fancy as I: figure out how to get Owen and Ivy to their lessons in opposite directions at the same time immediately after school, get some much needed work done, decide where our new bank account will be, finish Ivy's new homework packet that is due Friday, fight and argue with Owen to get his homework done, think about the school yearbook I am doing (notice I just said think about it.... Doing is another day), and wonder if I will get the karate newsletter done (wondering not doing), and maybe for good measure, clean a room. 

And then I sleep and rejoice that I have one more lunch to make before I get two lunch days off!! 

Thursday.... Here we come!

Sunday, January 11, 2015


My girls think the word grab is pronounced grav. I told Ivy the other day that it is grab not grav. She looked at me with the most curious look and then said "grav sounds so much better". 

I am lying on the floor while the girls take a bath and I hear over and over, "Grav that!" "Auttie, you grav it first and then I will." "Hurry Ivy, grav it."

Knowing Ivy, she probably doesn't believe me and is sure grav is right, but knowing Ivy, she would hate that she is saying the wrong word. Lose lose for me I guess. 

We will try to introduce grab again later, they are too cute to care.....