Saturday, November 11, 2017

The Forgotten

A title like that could be about so many things.

It could be about the forgotten house... the dust, the 570 yearbooks waiting to go out, the stuff everywhere, the piles brought in from the car.  Forgotten house.

It could be about my work.... messages piled up too high, things on the to-do list waiting too long to be done, the books that need updating and work.  Forgotten work.

It could be about the kitchen.... we have no kitchen.... carry on.

It could be about the master bathroom... we have no master bathroom..... carry on.

Nope, it is about Autumn.  She is the forgotten.

I was helping out at the kids' school the other day to distribute fundraiser cookie dough and other amazing items....

(And that is where the post ended.  I found this draft of a blog entry I started in April, 2016.  It is now November, 2017 and the blog post joined the ranks of everything else that has been forgotten)

It won't be told the same way it would have been in 2016, but at least the story won't be entirely forgotten....

I was helping out at the school to distribute fundraiser items.  People were picking up big boxes of items and I was feeling extra helpful as I moved the stuff outside on a dolly.  When I would volunteer at school before she went to kindergarten, Autumn was always at my feet following me around.

I am never anywhere completely in my head.  If I do that, someone is bound to be left behind.  I feel like that part in One Fine Day when Michelle Pfeiffer says that she has all these balls in the air that she is juggling and if she lets go of anything, they will all come crashing down.  Well, for whatever
reason, I was totally involved with this task and had the familiar feeling that Autumn is always a part of what I did, and then all the balls came crashing down.

I was walking out to the parking lot and checked back in with my life.  I thought of Autumn and then I completely panicked, where was Autumn? Oh yes, at school.  Wait, what time is it? Where is her school?  Where am I?  Who am I?  Where are my other kids?  3:15.  School gets out at 3:10.  I 100% forgot her.  I still had to dolly the boxes out to the parent's car all the while panicking as she sat at school waiting for me.  I ran back in, grabbed my purse, announced I left her at school and raced out to my car.

I flew in the school like a tornado and there she was, calmly reading a book with the director.  The last one to be picked up.  She wasn't worried... which I still wonder if that is a good thing.  I want to raise a confident child, but am I always that late?  Yes.  Yes I am.

So, there it is, the day I actually left her there.  Now I am careful not to completely give anything 100% so we all end up at home at night.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

January Adventure 2016

It is time to write.

After much deliberation and many plan changes, we settled on a night at the Sheraton, swimming, pizza, and ice cream for our January, 2016 adventure.  With four different families going 200 different directions, the adventures these days are no easy task, but busy or not, they are non-negotiable.

We found out that Molly Moon's Homemade Ice Cream was on the top of a few lists for the best ice cream in town, and being that we are always up for the best ice cream in town, the night began with ice cream before dinner.  It was soooooo delicious, in fact, after I was done with my vanilla ice cream covered with hot fudge, I jumped at the chance to order another one when Owen and Ivy said they were still hungry for more.  That is when I invented the rule that rules are different for adventure nights, especially on adventures that involve ice cream.

Once we were sufficiently full of delicious ice cream, it was time to head down to Seattle to check-in the hotel and start swimming.  We had a fabulous view of the city, which added to the magical part about being in a hotel when you are small.  We went swimming in a pool that was way too cold for the parents, ate tons of delicious pizza from one of our local favorites, went between the rooms way too many times, invented games that involved standing in the window sill and throwing a ball around the room, and kept getting stuck in elevators that for some reason wouldn't move with all of us in them together.  (I especially like the part where we climbed in the elevator with all 19 of us and it just sat there.  I later found out there was also a stranger in there in the corner.  Half of us left the elevator and found another one and the other half sat with the stranger still trying to get the elevator to move. We actually discussed at this point, that perhaps we should have clarified some elevator rule to the children in case we got out and they stayed in.  Oh, and I also like the part when all 19 of us were in one elevator and it wouldn't budge... until 4 of us climbed out and suddenly the doors closed - we couldn't all weigh 3500 pounds, right?)

We woke up today and carried on with the plans by taking a short walk to Pike Place, in the freezing wind mind you, to the Chocolate Box for some highly rated hot chocolate.  It was every bit as amazing as it was described to us.  We will be going back there, very soon if I can find an excuse to head that way.  We left the little shop for our final destination, brunch with the whole crew at a local organic cafe, Portage Bay Cafe.  It was on the top 5 of 2015 and it was every bit as delicious and lovely as the other places on the tour of Seattle's best.

Another adventure in the books and one that I would call a success!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

A New Life

This post is really hard for me to write, but I find the more I talk about it and share about it and hear myself say things out loud, the easier it is to find a space to move forward.

Last year at this time, my sisters and I had a terrible fight with my dad.  It wasn't meant to be a fight, and quite frankly, I am not sure I can comprehend how we went from the beginning to the end. I just know that the beginning was scary and the end was devastating.  As I think back and reflect on everything, I realize the details are getting fuzzy, which is the way I prefer it because it is so incredibly painful to re-live, but I can't erase the big picture.

After Angie confronted my dad about something that had been pending for some time, there was a lot of yelling on his part and a lot of crying on her part.  As she and I were talking about it and trying to process some of the things he had just yelled at her, he called to tell me that we needed to meet to dissolve the firm and decide how to break things up because he couldn't do this anymore and didn't want to work together.  There was nothing but shock in my body. I couldn't understand how telling him we knew about something he tried to keep from us resulted in needing to break the firm in pieces.  At his direction, we arranged to meet that evening to discuss moving forward.  I remember meeting my sisters in the park before the meeting to talk and feeling so many emotions at one time. There was confusion, hurt, sadness, fear, and worry, all of which only grew as the night wore on. The meeting was horrible.  Horrible, hard to forget things were said to us, there were a lot of tears, and we left with nothing resolved.

6 weeks went by and I didn't speak to my dad, and when we did, I called him.  I have often wondered over the last year, if I hadn't called, would we have talked again, and if so, how long would it have been?  I called to try to find some peace for my broken heart and at the time, I was able to find this peace temporarily, but unfortunately, the source of the fight was extremely hard for me and everything I thought I had between my dad and me was now in question and my broken heart ran very deep.  I needed a lot more than my dad was willing? able? to give me.  It seemed like there was hope for a little while, he was open to talking about it and  there was some healing for my sisters and I, but before long it became apparent that the whole incident was off limits to bring up again.  The few times I tried, I was told that we were not going over this again, and asked how many times he had to apologize for it, and what more could he do.  The conversation was over.

I wanted so much more.  I wanted him to say he was so sorry and he made a terrible mistake.  I wanted him to say our relationship was real and that I was still important to him.  I wanted him to open his heart and he wouldn't.  Without the assurances I needed, I wasn't able to move forward and I wasn't able to feel secure in our relationship.  I lost something that was so important to me at one time.  I longed for the relationship back but I wasn't sure if I was longing for a relationship that never existed or a relationship that was once very real and had changed into something unrecognizable.

Not only did I have feelings of sadness over the course of the year as I tried to heal, but I felt embarrassed.  I would have done anything for my dad, probably even at the expense of other relationships, because in my mind we had a special relationship.  It was devastating and embarrassing to realize I might have been the only one who felt this way.  I felt like such a fool and questioned so many things from the past.  I was willing to do anything he needed and he wasn't willing to do the same for me.  I felt very confused and alone.

The last year has been hard.  Really, really hard.  My sisters and I have talked and cried and tried to find a place of peace and understanding in a situation where that is impossible to find.  I could feel me and my dad growing further and further apart during the last year.  The more I realized I was not what I thought I was through his eyes, the less and less I was able to give.

As I continued to shut down, the relationship felt strained at best during the last few months and then what ever hope there was, what ever possibility of moving forward existed, it all ended a few days ago. I was once again faced with a situation that started with something and ended with something else with no logic in the middle.  I asked him to do something work related, the conversation became heated and I suddenly found myself on the phone with him screaming on the other end, telling me that we always fight and it was time that I took a good look at myself and finally realize that I was the problem.  He said he doesn't fight with anyone else in his life, that he gets along with everyone, except me, and this simple fact should tell me something about myself and I have plenty of people that I fight with.  It wasn't only the words that hurt so very badly, but the way he said it all.  He said I zap his energy.  He said if we never talk about anything of any substance again because it will end in a fight, then he would rather not talk to me ever again.   I would have never given up on him, but he gave up on me, probably a long time ago and this is a hard realization for me to come to.

I give up now.  Each time I replay these words in my head, I realize the relationship was not what I thought it was, that is very clear to me now. While I am not sure how things look going forward, I am very sure what they don't look like.

I will keep taking one day at a time and the tears will lessen and my heart will heal.

Monday, March 30, 2015

11 things

1. You know what the best part of spring break is? Not having to make lunches.

2. Greg was leaving for work the other morning and said goodbye to me. He said, "goodbye sweetheart" and Autumn looked all confused and said, "why did he say that?".  I told her because he loved me. She looked all serious and said, "so, you two are married?"

3. Little Ivy can't stand when she isn't the best. I was looking at pictures of Owen last night from when he was three. I mentioned how funny he was and true to form, Ivy responded that she was too. This happens every time a conversation like that happens. 

4. We are finally feeling better and back to normal from Owen's sickness. It took a lot out of us and threw our lives in a tailspin, but a month later and we seem to be getting our life back. Two more days of dr appts and hopefully we are done!

5. Greg tried to teach me how to do the baseball book tonight. I offered to do it last week and tonight during our lesson I quit. 

6. Every night when I snuggle by Autumn she sits up and says "I need your arm". I have to put my arm behind her and snuggle her in tight. 

7. Ivy has a practice for gymnastics on Saturday when they will decide if she moves up to the next level. This whole competitive sports thing is not for the faint of heart. (And the kids are fine, it is me who struggles.)

8. Last week Owen and Ryan couldn't spell cousin. I told them I would buy a prize for the first one to spell it right. It took a minute and a lot of guesses, and much to the boys' dismay, Ivy figured it out first.  She went into Fred Meyer and picked out a toy. In an effort to calm their concerns that they lost to Ivy, I offered up a spelling test today. They were given 32 words to study for the week and I am happy to report they both received 100% today and each earned a prize. 

9. When Owen got sick, Greg's work was amazing about it. I love his new job. 

10. Yesterday I was less than amused when I found Greg was still sound asleep when he should have been getting ready to take Owen to karate. After I took Owen myself, Greg apologized and asked why I didn't wake him up sooner. Yep, apparently I am in charge of waking them all up to get ready to go. Not amazing at all. 

11. I haven't done yoga for awhile. I feel the time is near to start again. 

And there are 11 things worth noting. 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Nothing sweeter

It has been a long tiring day filled with a bit of everything... Yelling, laughing, screaming, crying, playing, swimming, bathing, crafting, schooling, pianoing, and finally resting. 

As I snuggled Autumn to sleep I said, "you're my super star and I love you". Her little sleepy voice said back, "you're my mom and I love you". 

And then it was a good day. 

Sunday, January 18, 2015


Football, cousins, yummy food, and a CRAZY win for the Seattle Seahawks made for a fabulous Sunday.  

As we were transplants up to Washington, we haven't always been a fan of our beloved Seahawks, but never fear... WE ARE FANS now!!  I may even feel myself turning into a SuperFan.  Actually, I am a SuperFan of this whole state.  I LOVE living here and as part of loving living here, I love the team too.  Originally this day had been set aside to head to Leavenworth for the Bavarian Ice Fest to kick off the 2015 monthly adventures but upon learning it was the day for the NFC Championship Game and as pending SuperFans, it had to be cancelled.  Later, after a near loss that turned around for a crazy win in overtime, we screamed with laughter at the thought that we could have missed it all for the Ice Fest.  

So to sum up the day:, the kids ate too little, the adults ate too much, we gave up hope and had it restored, we laughed a lot, we played a lot and can't wait to do it all again in 2 weeks.... 



Saturday, January 17, 2015

I hate computers

Half the reason that I haven't blogged much is that my computer was full and terribly slow.  In an effort to save my sanity, I used Angie's old computer, which worked until it didn't.  My dad got me a new little computer recently and it has a very small hard drive but he installed a very large supplemental drive to go with it.  I thought this would work fine and yet I find myself sitting here tonight with my programs being confused between the C drive and the D drive.  The C drive is full and slowing things down and the programs that are trying to download are getting mixed up and missing files necessary to make them work.  Sigh.  

Computers suck so here are some pictures to lighten the mood.