This post is really hard for me to write, but I find the more I talk about it and share about it and hear myself say things out loud, the easier it is to find a space to move forward.
Last year at this time, my sisters and I had a terrible fight with my dad. It wasn't meant to be a fight, and quite frankly, I am not sure I can comprehend how we went from the beginning to the end. I just know that the beginning was scary and the end was devastating. As I think back and reflect on everything, I realize the details are getting fuzzy, which is the way I prefer it because it is so incredibly painful to re-live, but I can't erase the big picture.
After Angie confronted my dad about something that had been pending for some time, there was a lot of yelling on his part and a lot of crying on her part. As she and I were talking about it and trying to process some of the things he had just yelled at her, he called to tell me that we needed to meet to dissolve the firm and decide how to break things up because he couldn't do this anymore and didn't want to work together. There was nothing but shock in my body. I couldn't understand how telling him we knew about something he tried to keep from us resulted in needing to break the firm in pieces. At his direction, we arranged to meet that evening to discuss moving forward. I remember meeting my sisters in the park before the meeting to talk and feeling so many emotions at one time. There was confusion, hurt, sadness, fear, and worry, all of which only grew as the night wore on. The meeting was horrible. Horrible, hard to forget things were said to us, there were a lot of tears, and we left with nothing resolved.
6 weeks went by and I didn't speak to my dad, and when we did, I called him. I have often wondered over the last year, if I hadn't called, would we have talked again, and if so, how long would it have been? I called to try to find some peace for my broken heart and at the time, I was able to find this peace temporarily, but unfortunately, the source of the fight was extremely hard for me and everything I thought I had between my dad and me was now in question and my broken heart ran very deep. I needed a lot more than my dad was willing? able? to give me. It seemed like there was hope for a little while, he was open to talking about it and there was some healing for my sisters and I, but before long it became apparent that the whole incident was off limits to bring up again. The few times I tried, I was told that we were not going over this again, and asked how many times he had to apologize for it, and what more could he do. The conversation was over.
I wanted so much more. I wanted him to say he was so sorry and he made a terrible mistake. I wanted him to say our relationship was real and that I was still important to him. I wanted him to open his heart and he wouldn't. Without the assurances I needed, I wasn't able to move forward and I wasn't able to feel secure in our relationship. I lost something that was so important to me at one time. I longed for the relationship back but I wasn't sure if I was longing for a relationship that never existed or a relationship that was once very real and had changed into something unrecognizable.
Not only did I have feelings of sadness over the course of the year as I tried to heal, but I felt embarrassed. I would have done anything for my dad, probably even at the expense of other relationships, because in my mind we had a special relationship. It was devastating and embarrassing to realize I might have been the only one who felt this way. I felt like such a fool and questioned so many things from the past. I was willing to do anything he needed and he wasn't willing to do the same for me. I felt very confused and alone.
The last year has been hard. Really, really hard. My sisters and I have talked and cried and tried to find a place of peace and understanding in a situation where that is impossible to find. I could feel me and my dad growing further and further apart during the last year. The more I realized I was not what I thought I was through his eyes, the less and less I was able to give.
As I continued to shut down, the relationship felt strained at best during the last few months and then what ever hope there was, what ever possibility of moving forward existed, it all ended a few days ago. I was once again faced with a situation that started with something and ended with something else with no logic in the middle. I asked him to do something work related, the conversation became heated and I suddenly found myself on the phone with him screaming on the other end, telling me that we always fight and it was time that I took a good look at myself and finally realize that I was the problem. He said he doesn't fight with anyone else in his life, that he gets along with everyone, except me, and this simple fact should tell me something about myself and I have plenty of people that I fight with. It wasn't only the words that hurt so very badly, but the way he said it all. He said I zap his energy. He said if we never talk about anything of any substance again because it will end in a fight, then he would rather not talk to me ever again. I would have never given up on him, but he gave up on me, probably a long time ago and this is a hard realization for me to come to.
I give up now. Each time I replay these words in my head, I realize the relationship was not what I thought it was, that is very clear to me now. While I am not sure how things look going forward, I am very sure what they don't look like.
I will keep taking one day at a time and the tears will lessen and my heart will heal.
Kalaloch, part 2
1 day ago