Roasting Marshmallows

I am not sure why it takes a quarantine to slow down and enjoy life.  It is so odd and fascinating to me that people need permission to relax, permission to be still, and permission to rest.  I keep seeing countless posts on Facebook about kids learning to cook, work in the yard, play games, and do all the things that people once did.  It almost feels like we all went back in time, and that isn't a bad thing.

Even here, with the new found permission to slow down, we sat around the new fire pit a few nights ago and roasted marshmallows.  I keep realizing that sometimes I am more scared to go back to normal than I am live in this time.  I worry my kids will say, "remember the quarantine time, that was so fun".  I worry I may say the same thing and with the permission taken away, we will just fall back into the life that we do because everyone is doing it.

I have no idea when this will end or what it looks like, but for now we have this and for this I am grateful.

School is Gone

It became official last week that school is out for the year.. well normal school.  We will still have online school, but regular school is gone.  Some parts of that make me happy and some parts of that make me sad.

These things make me sad:
1. 5th grade camp
2. 8th grade dance
3. Autumn spending more time with her teacher
4. Seeing the girls walk away in the morning one last time together
5. Getting to take official last day of school pictures
6. 5th grade celebration
7. The last day of school
8. The kids seeing their friends
9. Picking up Ivy for gym and seeing her walk out everyday
10. Having Owen call me everyday at the same time to tell me he is home
11. Taking both girls to school together
12. Science day
13. 8th grade bridging ceremony
14. Normal school

These things make me happy:
1. Not spending two more months with some people
2. Sleeping in
3. Staying up late and watching too many movies
4. Having the kids home with me everyday
3. Not caring about a bedtime (mostly)
4. Getting to have the kids home with me everyday
5. New ways of learning
6. Less scheduled life
7. Taking walks with the kids
8. Seeing the kids playing outside with each other
9. Random pictures on my camera
10. Getting to learn with the kids
11. Still being able to take pictures on the last day of school
12. Too many Mario games
13. Zoo videos
14. Journaling and making daily lists

I try to remember that for everything we are missing, we are getting something that we wouldn't have otherwise.

The Day I Almost Started on Fire

I started taking a meditation class last September, once a week for an hour an a half.  Right before the quarantine started, we went on a break for the teacher to go to Bali; however, plans change quickly when a mysterious virus enters your life and now we were able to continue online and keep our meditations going.  

During our classes, we had a few full moon ceremonies where we took a piece of paper and wrote down our intentions of things we wanted to let go of.  We took the paper, rolled it up, and then blew our essence and intentions into it.  Once we were ready, we lit the paper on fire, put it in sand and moved the smoke around us.  Other than feeling like I had no idea what to do in a group of people who seemed to know exactly what to do, it was a very powerful and moving class. 

Enter at home new moon ceremony.  

The first online meditation was around a new moon, meaning this time we were going to write down intentions that we wanted to bring into our life and conduct the same similar ceremony.   I gathered my gear, my yoga mat, a piece of paper, a pen, my Glassybabys, a lighter, and a shell to put the paper in and closed myself in my closet with dreams of meditation class being recreated.  

We sat, we breathed, we wrote down the things we wanted to draw into our lives during this time, and then we rolled it up and took a deep breath and blew into the paper.  I have no idea what I blew into my paper, but I must have had fire within because I lit my paper on fire and it instantly was engulfed into flames.  There I was in the closet, with the door closed, holding a burning piece of paper.  I could feel the flames getting hot and tried to put it in the shell.  It fell out and I quickly picked it up and realized that I was in the closet, by myself with strict instructions to the others not to bother me, holding a flaming piece of paper surrounded by highly flammable clothes.  I didn't know if I should drop it on the yoga mat or try to blow it out.  I envisioned trying to blow it out and igniting the flames more or blowing the flame onto my clothes.  

With no other option other than to light myself on fire, I took in a deep breath and blew it as hard as I could.  Ashes flew around the closet and into the blanket I was wrapped in, but the fire was extinguished.  Forget the meditation at that point.  My heart was racing with the realization I almost burned the house down and included myself in that.  

My lessons for next time are... don't use such a big paper, don't blow the energy of fire into my paper before I light it, and have water with me to extinguish the flames... cause I am still lighting the fire.  

The 2020 Quarantine

Early in January, we all started hearing things about a virus in China.  They shut down everything and it was a big deal over there.  Over here, it was business as usual.... for awhile.  It wasn't long before travel was restricted, before we started hearing a buzz about it, before the media started saying it was here, before a positive case happened, before school was canceled, before businesses were closed, and before we were ordered to stay at home.

So, here we are at home.  No dance, no gymnastics, no baseball, no Taekwon Do, no going anywhere but the store.  We are literally at home all day long.

The good things:
1. We are saving a lot of money on gas.  We each fill up about 1x per week at about $65.00 - $70.00 each time and spend about $600-$700.00 a month on gas.  I don't think I will fill up at all during the quarantine.  I may save about $1000 on gas through April, so there is that.

2. My kids get a little break from very scheduled lives.  We love our activities and I am sure we will head back to them, but they are intense.  Ivy has gymnastics practice everyday for 4 hours.  I pick her up from school early (at 2:40) and take her to the gym.  She is done everyday at 7:00.  Autumn has dance everyday... Monday - Pom, Tuesday - Ballet and Hip Hop, Wednesday - Ballet and Salsa, Thursday - Jazz and Tumbling, Friday - Company Practice, Lyrical and Tap, and Saturday - Tumbling.  Owen has baseball four times a week and I try to make him go to Taekwon Do 2-3 times a week.  We also have piano for an hour a piece.  Add to that school and family life and there isn't much time for anything else.  I looked at the clock when this all started and I came to the realization that for the first time in I don't know how long - maybe 13 years, my life was not completely controlled by the clock and the schedule.  I don't know if I was depressed or free that time just went from meaning everything to meaning nothing, overnight.

3. The three of them have so much time to be together.  Right now there is a shelter at home order and all non-essential businesses are closed.  We literally have no where to go.  With our schedule, they are all home different times and when they are all actually home together, they have to eat dinner and do their homework and get ready for bed.  Today, they played Mario Kart with their cousins online for maybe 4 hours while connected to a zoom call so they could see and talk to each other and then they set up a new game in the living room - lie down on your back and fling stuffed animals over their head with their feet and aim for the laundry basket.  They have been doing this game for 4 hours.  4 hours.  I mean, the time Ivy usually is at the gym working out, they have spent that same amount of time flinging stuff animals over their head.  So for 8 hours today they played Mario Kart and flung animals and that is considered a successful day.  They record each session and then scream and yell when it makes it.  I can't even imagine when or how this game would have existed before this.  I think I just heard that they have 3 animals to make it in.  I also keep hearing the name Franklin.

4. We are learning about animals together and going on walks.  We have tried to set up a few things that we do must do each day.  One of those things on the must do list is to watch a live video from the Cincinnati Zoo which highlights a certain animal everyday.  So far we have learned about giraffes, porcupines, a bearcat, lions, sloths, red pandas, elephants, hippos, and an ocelot.  We have also made a 30 minutes walk a required part of our day.  We have a path and rain or shine, we walk.  I think it is my favorite thing we do.

5. I am mindful that this is going to be a time that we will never have again.  It is like we suddenly have permission to do nothing.  Now, we actually have nothing to do but play video games, invent games together, make food, rest, sleep, read, write, be together, go on walks, stay up late, sleep in, do some school stuff, and set our own rules.  I am sure before long we will be back in the thick of competitions, meet season, baseball games, and schedules where the clock rules the day, but for today, we will play flinging animal games, video games, resurrect my blog, mindfully take pictures of each day because I love it and not just because it is a habit, organize things that are long overdue for attention, meditate, journal, and just be.  Angie and I taught so many yoga classes where we taught how important it is to just be and yet, that just feels so far away.  For now, we will celebrate the 3rd to last animal landing in the basket at 11:00 at night and we will breathe it in and enjoy all of it.  (Maybe the neighbors won't because that is some intense cheering this late at night.  These last two animals may wake up the sleeping people... scratch that.... one to go... "FRANKLIN WENT IN!").

2 weeks down - unknown to go.

Invisible

Autumn has an invisible boyfriend - King Jenga.  I think he has been a part of our life now for 4 years or so.  They used to sit together in the kitchen and she would say, "Ok, fine", and then turn and give him a kiss.  Once he broke up with her for Bridgett.  He called her on the phone and she let Greg know she had to take the call in the other room.  Once she was alone we heard, "What! You are breaking up with me for Bridgett!"  Don't worry, they got back together.  He shows up now and then these days.  Not quite as much as he used to, but he is still there.  She has even learned to speak Invisible, I mean there is a whole crew of people that she needs to talk to... Ruby and Rapunzel, all the daycare kids she has to watch on a regular basis, there are more I am sure, I can't keep track.  It only makes sense that she can speak their language at this point. 

When I woke her up today for school she yelled at me in Invisible.  It sounds a little bit like Chinese or something of that nature.  I am not exactly sure what she said, but I do know it didn't sound very nice. I am sure she and King Jenga had some choice words for me once I left. 

All the Invisible people will apparently be at Grandpa's house for Christmas.  They are participating in the Christmas auction.  It has been awhile since we have all been together.  Hopefully they don't outbid me on the gifts I want.  They will hear some choice words from me. 

Let's Try This Again

Writing used to be something that I loved to do and I felt like I was good at it.  I am not sure anymore, and yet, almost daily I feel bad that I don't have something to tell me what we have been doing for the last 3 or 4 years.  I am not sure what I am afraid of or why it suddenly feels so hard.  It just seems like I have spent more time reading about other people's lives instead of writing about my own. 

I have been watching other people lose weight, go on hikes, do yoga, eat healthy, and do all the other things that I wish I were doing, including writing it down.  And here I sit, reading about it.

So today, I am going to try to write something about my life.  I do this occasionally and I write a big proclamation about how I am back and it is time to write, and then I write a post or possibly half a post and then I stop for another year.  I can't promise anything, but for today I will write something. 

I really need to remember King Jenga in my life.  Autumn has had an invisible boyfriend for years, probably since she was about 3.  His name is King Jenga.  They have broken up a few times and he started dating Bridgette, but came back to her.  She speaks invisible language and has all kinds of other friends that show up in her life from time to time.  She used to sit at the kitchen counter and suddenly declare, "Ok, fine" and then turn her head to kiss King Jenga.  She let us know that he wanted a kiss.  She told Ivy and me today that they drive really slow in invisible, sometimes the speed limit is 3.  I have no desire to drive in Invisible. 

Ivy is gone today.  She is helping Noni with 159 shirt orders for the school.  I thought it would be a good idea to give a choice of color, a girl frog or a boy frog, and your name on the back.  Turns out that many variables makes for a longer project.  I sent Ivy to Angie's house today to see if she can help and keep Angie from going insane.  Ivy makes the perfect assistant.  She understands the process of things and she can participate more than just following directions.  My dad keeps waiting for the day that Ivy can work for him and be his assistant. 

Owen is 14.  I learned once in my parenting classes that I took when Owen was little, that when kids get older, you can just take away the 1 and that is about the age they are.  So for example, Owen is 14, take away the 1 and Owen is 4.  That sounds about right.  The constant singing, humming, dancing, and acting like he owns the place is driving me crazy.  He lives life like his head is in the clouds.  I think most of the things that come out of my mouth to him are not kind and yet, he leaves to his friend's house and all I can think about is when he will be home and think of all the reasons I can call him back.  I sent him to Noni's house today to play while Ivy worked.  Hopefully a little cousin time will ground him some. 

I started taking a meditation class the end of September and it is one of my favorite things I have done in a long time.  We have done a mala meditation, a sound bath, a journey, a meta meditation, candle gazing, and a chakra one.  It is often a little out of my comfort zone at times cause I have this weird thing about slowing down.  It is like I have some weird internal conflict that if I slow down, I won't know who I am anymore, and here am I always drawn to something slower.  I find myself looking forward to my class each week, more than I look forward to anything else.  That tells me something.  Now, it is just time to stop being afraid and start incorporating more of what I learn to my life.  I have been known to study and read and learn and then forget to implement, sort of like reading other people's facebook and instagram posts and forgetting about my own. 

Ok.  There, one blog post.  I am winning at life now.  I can rest easily tonight. 

The Forgotten

A title like that could be about so many things.

It could be about the forgotten house... the dust, the 570 yearbooks waiting to go out, the stuff everywhere, the piles brought in from the car.  Forgotten house.

It could be about my work.... messages piled up too high, things on the to-do list waiting too long to be done, the books that need updating and work.  Forgotten work.

It could be about the kitchen.... we have no kitchen.... carry on.

It could be about the master bathroom... we have no master bathroom..... carry on.

Nope, it is about Autumn.  She is the forgotten.

I was helping out at the kids' school the other day to distribute fundraiser cookie dough and other amazing items....

(And that is where the post ended.  I found this draft of a blog entry I started in April, 2016.  It is now November, 2017 and the blog post joined the ranks of everything else that has been forgotten)

It won't be told the same way it would have been in 2016, but at least the story won't be entirely forgotten....

I was helping out at the school to distribute fundraiser items.  People were picking up big boxes of items and I was feeling extra helpful as I moved the stuff outside on a dolly.  When I would volunteer at school before she went to kindergarten, Autumn was always at my feet following me around.

I am never anywhere completely in my head.  If I do that, someone is bound to be left behind.  I feel like that part in One Fine Day when Michelle Pfeiffer says that she has all these balls in the air that she is juggling and if she lets go of anything, they will all come crashing down.  Well, for whatever
reason, I was totally involved with this task and had the familiar feeling that Autumn is always a part of what I did, and then all the balls came crashing down.

I was walking out to the parking lot and checked back in with my life.  I thought of Autumn and then I completely panicked, where was Autumn? Oh yes, at school.  Wait, what time is it? Where is her school?  Where am I?  Who am I?  Where are my other kids?  3:15.  School gets out at 3:10.  I 100% forgot her.  I still had to dolly the boxes out to the parent's car all the while panicking as she sat at school waiting for me.  I ran back in, grabbed my purse, announced I left her at school and raced out to my car.

I flew in the school like a tornado and there she was, calmly reading a book with the director.  The last one to be picked up.  She wasn't worried... which I still wonder if that is a good thing.  I want to raise a confident child, but am I always that late?  Yes.  Yes I am.

So, there it is, the day I actually left her there.  Now I am careful not to completely give anything 100% so we all end up at home at night.