I really hate those days when I am a bad mom. Today is one of those days.
We spent the day yesterday with friends. 8 hours of sun, laughing, beach, ferries, playground, sunblock, ice cream, seashells, farmer's market and FUN.
And then today wasn't so fun. Following our day of fun, which I wouldn't trade, I was left with some deadlines to meet today. The only answer - HANDY MANNY. Thank you to Rusty, Dusty, Pat, Turner, Felipe, Stretch, Squeeze, and Manny for watching my child today. As I turn on each recorded episode and swear to him and me that this is the last one, each episode ends with a little voice proclaiming, "One More!" In an effort to get one more deadline met, I decide it is best.
6 or so episodes later, the tv goes off. Too many. Feeling like a bad mom - #1.
We eat lunch together and he decides to go outside to play. Thank you to the dogs, Abbi and Porter, and the trees he loves to play in for watching my child during the second part of the day. A few more things can be done. Feeling like a bad mom - #2.
Felix is home from school, outside they go to see Kiki and what she is up to. Thank you to Felix, Robee, Kiki, the goats and the outdoors for watching my child. Back to work. Feeling like a bad mom - #3.
Time to leave and teach yoga. Feeling like a bad mom - #4.
I am home from yoga, time for dinner. A baby pigeon has been rescued from the bottom of the coop. I am making MY dinner, not his, and he asks for me to come see the baby bird and ends the sentence with the sweet sound of Pwease Mommy. My ever too common reply, "in a minute". Why is it that I expect him to do things now when all he ever hears is "in a minute". He goes to see the bird alone. Feeling like a bad mom - #5, #6, #7.
It is time for bed, something made him mad and he smacked the table. When he realized he was hurt instead of the table, he pushed the kitchen chair over. Bedtime. He runs away. After bringing him downstairs, putting on his his jammies not so nice, I demand that he lie down in bed. With tears running down his cheeks, he asks if I am going to lay with him. I told him I wasn't sure and I would be right back to decide. I start to walk away, but I have a moment of sanity. My baby is sad. I went back to the bed, kissed his head and I told him I loved him and he was my little chick (we have a book with a chick that makes the mommy mad, she tells him that sometimes he makes her mad, and sometimes he makes her sad but she always loves him because he is her little chick). We gave each other a big hug. And then I left, telling him I would be right back. Feeling like a bad mom - #8, #9 (then back down to 8 for not leaving mad, but then then back to 9 again for leaving at all).
I went upstairs for 2 minutes, came back down and he is asleep. I look at him sleeping and it is what I want, asleep at 9:00. But as I look at his sleeping face and remember the tears down his cheeks, I want to crawl into bed with him, hold him and wake him up and erase what just happened.
I wish I could do things differently, the day didn't go how I wanted and it certainly wasn't how I meant for the day to end.
The deadlines are done. The tears are now mine.
Tomorrow is a new start, a new day, a chance to do it differently than I did today.
A day to remember that what I need to do can be done "in a minute".
4 comments:
I often feel like this. I am glad that I am not alone. Totally crying like you :(
E - then he woke up and the first thing he said was, "I wanted to say goodbye to the baby bird last night, but you just took me downstairs". Feeling bad all over again.
SAD!!! I know that feeling.
Ah! I whole new person to say, "in a minute," to. I always like to remember that all our parents did things like this to us and I think if we talk to the kids about our feelings that we can both be reassured. At the end of the days when you feel terrible you should just take a moment to do some reaffirmations with them. I think that sounds good.
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