I used to write all the time. I considered myself a writer all throughout my childhood, high school, college, and even after. Then it stopped. I have no idea if I stopped because I had less to say, too much trauma to manage, or I started consuming too much rather than creating, but whatever it was I stopped. So the questions beg to be asked: Am I still a self-proclaimed writer? Can I sit down and put thoughts on a piece of paper? Am I still funny in my writing? Hell, do I even have thoughts still? Is my writing style my own or do I sound like everyone else on social media? Do I like paper or computers? To be honest, I have absolutely no idea what the answer is to any of those questions. Perhaps that part of my brain is gone, perhaps there is nothing left to say, maybe I don't even like to write, but in any event, I will give it a try but only because I miss knowing what has happened in my life. I miss documenting things for the kids. I miss something and don't always know what that is.
So here we are. Let's start here.
1. Owen. He leaves back to WSU in 22 days to start his Master's Program and go back to work. I don't think it will ever be easier to send him away. While I know that in a few weeks the girls will be back to lessons at night and back to school, and he will work less, so his life needs to grow somewhere else where he can make things happen for himself and not just sit here waiting for them to happen. But, the idea of him back in his apartment and not tucked in to his bed upstairs surrounded by his owl, monkey, and a pile of other animals could tear a person's heart out. (Especially a person who feels everything so much).
2. Ivy. Why does she have to be a senior this year. The only thing worse than having one of your kids gone is having two of them gone. We have no idea where she is going to go to school yet. Hawaii is on the list, Pullman is on the list (that feels safe considering Owen is there to keep an eye on her, although she doesn't need that one bit), and I am not sure what else is out there. If we think about it and talk about it, then it becomes something real and I am just not ready for that. Who will I pal around with at dance competitions, who will Autumn bother at night, who will balance the chaos energy out. We can't think about it despite it being the best thing for her. Again, it could tear a person's heart out.
3. Autumn. High school makes her seem sooo old. Oh, and speaking about tearing a person's heart out, how does her life look like without Ivy all day every day. This growing up thing sucks. She will head to high school and be in a real class for the first time since Covid in 2020. She left in 2nd grade and has been home ever since. She will do 2 classes in person and then 4 online. I must admit, the 4 online are a little terrifying as asynchronous learning hasn't proven to be her jam, but we will pray for us.
4. Greg. Truth be told, the first time in our marriage, I recently felt like I was too much for him like many others It was the first time I felt the strings attaching us together were gone or at least really thin. It just felt like he looked at me differently. Now, this could be a product of ADHD and disorders that accompany that, or a product of severe trauma following the disappearance of Emilee and Angie who I thought loved me, but both suddenly decided that I am indeed to much for them to handle and with a story very different than mine walked away, or maybe a product of forgetting to connect and listen to each other. Honestly, I don't really know. It has been a long 8 weeks but after some hard conversations, lots of tears, pleading, begging, yelling, and an unbreakable remaining string, he looks at me again like he loves me. I probably need more reassurance than most and a little more tender loving care than he gives naturally, but the strings are growing stronger each day that he looks at me like that.
5. Me. I have no idea what update I give to future me of current me. I am sure everything I instinctively would write has been written before.. I am so busy, I can't get caught up, I need to get healthy, blah blah blah. Current me is so used up. Have you ever just been tired of yourself. That is where I am. Future me needs a different story.... future me is healthy and strong and wears really cute workout clothes (this is a critical part of the story obviously). Future me has a handle on my finances. Future me doesn't have work backed up that shames me all day long. Future me knows the hurt was part of the story to be the exact person I have always wanted to be. So how to I stop with the same stories day after day, especially with a severe case of ADHD. That is the same question I have been writing down since the beginning of my blogging in 2007. So clearly I don't have any answers. I just hope that future me is gentle with past me and knows I really did keep trying all the time. Maybe I am closer than I think. (Oh, and so I don't forget, future me keeps eating delicious ice cream dishes like we ate last night.)
So here is what I learned today from the first day of putting thoughts on paper (can you say paper if you typed it... I decided yes): I still have thoughts, I still like writing, future me deserves a new story, my heart loves the kids and Greg an unbelievable amount, this is a hard time of life, and most importantly, was this post all there is or will I return before another 6 years passes us by... we shall see.
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