Do I write?

I used to write all the time.  I considered myself a writer all throughout my childhood, high school, college, and even after.  Then it stopped.  I have no idea if I stopped because I had less to say, too much trauma to manage, or I started consuming too much rather than creating, but whatever it was I stopped.  So the questions beg to be asked: Am I still a self-proclaimed writer?  Can I sit down and put thoughts on a piece of paper?  Am I still funny in my writing?  Hell, do I even have thoughts still?  Is my writing style my own or do I sound like everyone else on social media?  Do I like paper or computers?  To be honest, I have absolutely no idea what the answer is to any of those questions.  Perhaps that part of my brain is gone, perhaps there is nothing left to say, maybe I don't even like to write, but in any event, I will give it a try but only because I miss knowing what has happened in my life. I miss documenting things for the kids.  I miss something and don't always know what that is.  

So here we are.  Let's start here. 

1.  Owen.  He leaves back to WSU in 22 days to start his Master's Program and go back to work.  I don't think it will ever be easier to send him away.  While I know that in a few weeks the girls will be back to lessons at night and back to school, and he will work less, so his life needs to grow somewhere else where he can make things happen for himself and not just sit here waiting for them to happen.  But, the idea of him back in his apartment and not tucked in to his bed upstairs surrounded by his owl, monkey, and a pile of other animals could tear a person's heart out.  (Especially a person who feels everything so much).   

2. Ivy.  Why does she have to be a senior this year.  The only thing worse than having one of your kids gone is having two of them gone.  We have no idea where she is going to go to school yet.  Hawaii is on the list, Pullman is on the list (that feels safe considering Owen is there to keep an eye on her, although she doesn't need that one bit), and I am not sure what else is out there.  If we think about it and talk about it, then it becomes something real and I am just not ready for that.  Who will I pal around with at dance competitions, who will Autumn bother at night, who will balance the chaos energy out.  We can't think about it despite it being the best thing for her.  Again, it could tear a person's heart out. 

3. Autumn.  High school makes her seem sooo old.  Oh, and speaking about tearing a person's heart out, how does her life look like without Ivy all day every day.  This growing up thing sucks.  She will head to high school and be in a real class for the first time since Covid in 2020.  She left in 2nd grade and has been home ever since.  She will do 2 classes in person and then 4 online.  I must admit, the 4 online are a little terrifying as asynchronous learning hasn't proven to be her jam, but we will pray for us.  

4. Greg.  Truth be told, the first time in our marriage, I recently felt like I was too much for him like many others   It was the first time I felt the strings attaching us together were gone or at least really thin.  It just felt like he looked at me differently.  Now, this could be a product of ADHD and disorders that accompany that, or a product of severe trauma following the disappearance of Emilee and Angie who I thought loved me, but both suddenly decided that I am indeed to much for them to handle and with a story very different than mine walked away, or maybe a product of forgetting to connect and listen to each other.  Honestly, I don't really know.  It has been a long 8 weeks but after some hard conversations, lots of tears, pleading, begging, yelling, and an unbreakable remaining string, he looks at me again like he loves me.  I probably need more reassurance than most and a little more tender loving care than he gives naturally, but the strings are growing stronger each day that he looks at me like that.  

5. Me. I have no idea what update I give to future me of current me.  I am sure everything I instinctively would write has been written before.. I am so busy, I can't get caught up, I need to get healthy, blah blah blah.  Current me is so used up.  Have you ever just been tired of yourself. That is where I am.  Future me needs a different story.... future me is healthy and strong and wears really cute workout clothes (this is a critical part of the story obviously).  Future me has a handle on my finances.  Future me doesn't have work backed up that shames me all day long.  Future me knows the hurt was part of the story to be the exact person I have always wanted to be.  So how to I stop with the same stories day after day, especially with a severe case of ADHD.  That is the same question I have been writing down since the beginning of my blogging in 2007.  So clearly I don't have any answers.  I just hope that future me is gentle with past me and knows I really did keep trying all the time.  Maybe I am closer than I think.  (Oh, and so I don't forget, future me keeps eating delicious ice cream dishes like we ate last night.)

So here is what I learned today from the first day of putting thoughts on paper (can you say paper if you typed it... I decided yes): I still have thoughts, I still like writing, future me deserves a new story, my heart loves the kids and Greg an unbelievable amount, this is a hard time of life, and most importantly, was this post all there is or will I return before another 6 years passes us by... we shall see. 

Haikus

Time for a little poetry from Autumn.

First up - Haikus:
Mom

she is super sweet

she takes care of everyone

she does everything. 

Dad,
he is very nice

he makes me laugh every day 

he does everything. 

Ivy, 
she is very nice, 

she gets everything all done,

she always works hard .

MeoMeo, 

she understands me, 

she is my stuffed animal, 

she is very nice. 

Dance

it is very fun, 

you can do different dances,  

you can do cool tricks.

Owen

he is annoying,

he can sometimes be funny, 

he is kind sometimes.

Roasting Marshmallows

I am not sure why it takes a quarantine to slow down and enjoy life.  It is so odd and fascinating to me that people need permission to relax, permission to be still, and permission to rest.  I keep seeing countless posts on Facebook about kids learning to cook, work in the yard, play games, and do all the things that people once did.  It almost feels like we all went back in time, and that isn't a bad thing.

Even here, with the new found permission to slow down, we sat around the new fire pit a few nights ago and roasted marshmallows.  I keep realizing that sometimes I am more scared to go back to normal than I am live in this time.  I worry my kids will say, "remember the quarantine time, that was so fun".  I worry I may say the same thing and with the permission taken away, we will just fall back into the life that we do because everyone is doing it.

I have no idea when this will end or what it looks like, but for now we have this and for this I am grateful.

School is Gone

It became official last week that school is out for the year.. well normal school.  We will still have online school, but regular school is gone.  Some parts of that make me happy and some parts of that make me sad.

These things make me sad:
1. 5th grade camp
2. 8th grade dance
3. Autumn spending more time with her teacher
4. Seeing the girls walk away in the morning one last time together
5. Getting to take official last day of school pictures
6. 5th grade celebration
7. The last day of school
8. The kids seeing their friends
9. Picking up Ivy for gym and seeing her walk out everyday
10. Having Owen call me everyday at the same time to tell me he is home
11. Taking both girls to school together
12. Science day
13. 8th grade bridging ceremony
14. Normal school

These things make me happy:
1. Not spending two more months with some people
2. Sleeping in
3. Staying up late and watching too many movies
4. Having the kids home with me everyday
3. Not caring about a bedtime (mostly)
4. Getting to have the kids home with me everyday
5. New ways of learning
6. Less scheduled life
7. Taking walks with the kids
8. Seeing the kids playing outside with each other
9. Random pictures on my camera
10. Getting to learn with the kids
11. Still being able to take pictures on the last day of school
12. Too many Mario games
13. Zoo videos
14. Journaling and making daily lists

I try to remember that for everything we are missing, we are getting something that we wouldn't have otherwise.

The Day I Almost Started on Fire

I started taking a meditation class last September, once a week for an hour an a half.  Right before the quarantine started, we went on a break for the teacher to go to Bali; however, plans change quickly when a mysterious virus enters your life and now we were able to continue online and keep our meditations going.  

During our classes, we had a few full moon ceremonies where we took a piece of paper and wrote down our intentions of things we wanted to let go of.  We took the paper, rolled it up, and then blew our essence and intentions into it.  Once we were ready, we lit the paper on fire, put it in sand and moved the smoke around us.  Other than feeling like I had no idea what to do in a group of people who seemed to know exactly what to do, it was a very powerful and moving class. 

Enter at home new moon ceremony.  

The first online meditation was around a new moon, meaning this time we were going to write down intentions that we wanted to bring into our life and conduct the same similar ceremony.   I gathered my gear, my yoga mat, a piece of paper, a pen, my Glassybabys, a lighter, and a shell to put the paper in and closed myself in my closet with dreams of meditation class being recreated.  

We sat, we breathed, we wrote down the things we wanted to draw into our lives during this time, and then we rolled it up and took a deep breath and blew into the paper.  I have no idea what I blew into my paper, but I must have had fire within because I lit my paper on fire and it instantly was engulfed into flames.  There I was in the closet, with the door closed, holding a burning piece of paper.  I could feel the flames getting hot and tried to put it in the shell.  It fell out and I quickly picked it up and realized that I was in the closet, by myself with strict instructions to the others not to bother me, holding a flaming piece of paper surrounded by highly flammable clothes.  I didn't know if I should drop it on the yoga mat or try to blow it out.  I envisioned trying to blow it out and igniting the flames more or blowing the flame onto my clothes.  

With no other option other than to light myself on fire, I took in a deep breath and blew it as hard as I could.  Ashes flew around the closet and into the blanket I was wrapped in, but the fire was extinguished.  Forget the meditation at that point.  My heart was racing with the realization I almost burned the house down and included myself in that.  

My lessons for next time are... don't use such a big paper, don't blow the energy of fire into my paper before I light it, and have water with me to extinguish the flames... cause I am still lighting the fire.  

The 2020 Quarantine

Early in January, we all started hearing things about a virus in China.  They shut down everything and it was a big deal over there.  Over here, it was business as usual.... for awhile.  It wasn't long before travel was restricted, before we started hearing a buzz about it, before the media started saying it was here, before a positive case happened, before school was canceled, before businesses were closed, and before we were ordered to stay at home.

So, here we are at home.  No dance, no gymnastics, no baseball, no Taekwon Do, no going anywhere but the store.  We are literally at home all day long.

The good things:
1. We are saving a lot of money on gas.  We each fill up about 1x per week at about $65.00 - $70.00 each time and spend about $600-$700.00 a month on gas.  I don't think I will fill up at all during the quarantine.  I may save about $1000 on gas through April, so there is that.

2. My kids get a little break from very scheduled lives.  We love our activities and I am sure we will head back to them, but they are intense.  Ivy has gymnastics practice everyday for 4 hours.  I pick her up from school early (at 2:40) and take her to the gym.  She is done everyday at 7:00.  Autumn has dance everyday... Monday - Pom, Tuesday - Ballet and Hip Hop, Wednesday - Ballet and Salsa, Thursday - Jazz and Tumbling, Friday - Company Practice, Lyrical and Tap, and Saturday - Tumbling.  Owen has baseball four times a week and I try to make him go to Taekwon Do 2-3 times a week.  We also have piano for an hour a piece.  Add to that school and family life and there isn't much time for anything else.  I looked at the clock when this all started and I came to the realization that for the first time in I don't know how long - maybe 13 years, my life was not completely controlled by the clock and the schedule.  I don't know if I was depressed or free that time just went from meaning everything to meaning nothing, overnight.

3. The three of them have so much time to be together.  Right now there is a shelter at home order and all non-essential businesses are closed.  We literally have no where to go.  With our schedule, they are all home different times and when they are all actually home together, they have to eat dinner and do their homework and get ready for bed.  Today, they played Mario Kart with their cousins online for maybe 4 hours while connected to a zoom call so they could see and talk to each other and then they set up a new game in the living room - lie down on your back and fling stuffed animals over their head with their feet and aim for the laundry basket.  They have been doing this game for 4 hours.  4 hours.  I mean, the time Ivy usually is at the gym working out, they have spent that same amount of time flinging stuff animals over their head.  So for 8 hours today they played Mario Kart and flung animals and that is considered a successful day.  They record each session and then scream and yell when it makes it.  I can't even imagine when or how this game would have existed before this.  I think I just heard that they have 3 animals to make it in.  I also keep hearing the name Franklin.

4. We are learning about animals together and going on walks.  We have tried to set up a few things that we do must do each day.  One of those things on the must do list is to watch a live video from the Cincinnati Zoo which highlights a certain animal everyday.  So far we have learned about giraffes, porcupines, a bearcat, lions, sloths, red pandas, elephants, hippos, and an ocelot.  We have also made a 30 minutes walk a required part of our day.  We have a path and rain or shine, we walk.  I think it is my favorite thing we do.

5. I am mindful that this is going to be a time that we will never have again.  It is like we suddenly have permission to do nothing.  Now, we actually have nothing to do but play video games, invent games together, make food, rest, sleep, read, write, be together, go on walks, stay up late, sleep in, do some school stuff, and set our own rules.  I am sure before long we will be back in the thick of competitions, meet season, baseball games, and schedules where the clock rules the day, but for today, we will play flinging animal games, video games, resurrect my blog, mindfully take pictures of each day because I love it and not just because it is a habit, organize things that are long overdue for attention, meditate, journal, and just be.  Angie and I taught so many yoga classes where we taught how important it is to just be and yet, that just feels so far away.  For now, we will celebrate the 3rd to last animal landing in the basket at 11:00 at night and we will breathe it in and enjoy all of it.  (Maybe the neighbors won't because that is some intense cheering this late at night.  These last two animals may wake up the sleeping people... scratch that.... one to go... "FRANKLIN WENT IN!").

2 weeks down - unknown to go.